The following article contains my own personal views and is based entirely on my success with meeting friends and partners on the scene. It is not intended as a blueprint for happiness, and nor will following some or all of its advice guarantee that you will find a Mistress. However, it will point you in the right direction to begin your search, and hopefully it will all also help you to make lots of new friends on the scene.
Search Yourself
Before you begin your search for a Mistress, start thinking about who you really are and whether you are ready for a relationship with a lifestyle dominant woman. Some men are inherently submissive, and if they are fortunate enough to meet the right domme can gain true happiness and fulfillment. I have been privileged enough to meet some of those men, and it has been enriching to know and love them. But be certain and confident within yourself about your submission before you begin your search. Too many men feel the need for submission, have often namelessly longed for it all their lives, but also feel that submission is somehow wrong and shameful. There is nothing more soul destroying for a domme than to get involved with a man who ultimately ends the relationship because he can't reconcile those conflicts.
More commonly, men who define themselves as submissives (or even slaves) are actually what I would describe as bottoms. They want kinky sex and to live out their fantasies, but do not want the power exchange element of the lifestyle relationship. That's fine - you can still have a great time and may well meet a partner who has the same needs as you. Knowing exactly what you are looking for - and being honest about what you want and expect - saves a lot of heartache in the long run. The Mistress of your fantasies does not exist. Dommes in reality are ordinary women who lead ordinary lives, go to work, and often have children and/or other responsibilities. But dominant women do exist, and you would be surprised at how many of us there are out there. You won't find us by looking for a woman in thigh boots cracking a whip (even though we may choose to do that at times), but you will find us by being honest and realistic in your expectations.
Lifestyle D/s relationships are not about boots, whips and chains. Many of us have such toys but they are accessories rather than essentials. A beloved submissive of mine once described this very well in a letter to me: "Funny how we all still get dressed up to go to clubs though isn't it? I love my collar - aside from showing people I am owned it reassures me and makes me feel special - but I don't feel any more submissive when I am wearing it. Does dressing up add to your power? I suspect it adds a little spice to the game but nothing more than that. The dynamic comes from within." And of course he is right.
Searching
Now your search can really begin. Get into the habit of reading good websites and books that reflect the reality (not the fantasy) of D/s relationships. They will help you to gain a crucial insight into the mind of a dominant woman. Remember - dominant women have their own needs and expectations, and you should be prepared to meet them to the best of your ability. It can never be the other way round.
You have already made a wise choice by visiting this site. Many of us on the scene, including myself, started here. Follow some links to other sites (I particularly like Castle Realm). Try reading some of the factual articles (and the stories if you like). Read books. The most often recommended ones are The Topping Book and The Bottoming Book, and SM 101. When I first started out, SM 101 was my bible. I read it greedily, and then read it again. I've evolved my own unique style of domination now, as all of us do, whatever our orientation, but I learnt a lot from that book, and still refer back to it now and again. Read the other articles on this site. And don't forget to read articles written by other submissives. You will learn as much from a fellow submissive as you will from a dominant.
Making Contact
Reply to personal ads or write your own. There are a few good ad sites. Don't reel off a standard letter to every ad you see which basically says, "let me serve you Mistress." We get stacks of those and they go straight into the bin. Think about the person who wrote the ad and try and make your letter interesting and original. Don't send a Domme an initial letter which sounds like a shopping list of what you want doing to you. If you are fortunate enough to catch her interest, she will of course want to learn about your needs, desires, limits and fantasies over time. But the initial letter should be about her, and what it was that she wrote that attracted you to her. Never, ever send a photo unless her ad specifically requests one. Certainly never send a photo of yourself tied up / gagged / naked etc. Why would we want to look at those? We like to do our own tying up / gagging / torturing or not as the case may be thank you. Also, never write to more than one Domme at a time saying the same thing. Never lie about your situation, or any relationships you may have had/are having with other Dommes. Lots of us know each other in real life, and believe me, we swap notes.
One of my current relationships is with someone who cleverly emailed me saying he absolutely did not want to be anything other than a friend, but he found me interesting and wanted to know my views about certain things. I found the questions he asked me intriguing and wrote back, and our correspondence took off from there. As far as I was concerned we had nothing in common, but he came along to a munch and the rest is history.
A munch is probably the safest and easiest way to make friends on the scene. They are more informal than fetish clubs and of course far more immediate than letter writing. Indeed, munches exist for the very purpose of introducing new faces to old. There are munches in most areas of the UK now, and even if there isn't one near you it is well worth making the effort to travel to one. But don't set your hopes too high. Munches are not singles clubs. Try to find friends and then wait and see what develops from there. Almost everyone on the scene has friends they were first introduced to at a munch. And quite a few have met partners too.
Bide your time
Don't be anxious or lose faith if you haven't met the woman of your dreams in the first few weeks of trying. It can take longer. In some cases it can even take a lifetime. But when they eventually come, the rewards are worth a lifetime of searching.
By Flora Rose
Contact Information
Feel free to email us if you have any suggestions or comments. We welcome all comments from our readers. Many thanks.
E-mail: webmaster@seekers.org.uk
External Links
Disclaimer
D/s seekers contains adult oriented sexual material that covers many issues relating to BDSM. Please leave NOW if you are under 18 years of age or are offended by such material. The management ask that you please exercise all caution in using any information found in any links, posts or in the website of D/s seekers. Any material placed here is believed to be either authored by the owners, or shared with permission.